This is part of my Meditation Journal (click) which includes dozens of posts.
I’ve been feeling this for weeks now, it’s pretty impossible to describe, but I’ll give it a try.
There’s nothing going on in my head most times.
When I try to write a fiction book, think about something in the future, plan something – it just isn’t there. My thinking process, I mean. It’s just voidness up there. It’s like I’ve suddenly become dumb or something. I’ve always wished for this state – to be so dumb, I don’t even know it… and maybe that’s what is finally happening! lol. I despise having a mind that is always thinking, planning, creating, and analyzing. It’s tiring. It’s pointless.
As much as I try, I cannot create anything anymore. my mind is on stop speed for some reason.
I was excited for a while before this state – to start writing fiction again. I just can’t do it. I’m coming up absolutely blank when I try to think of an interesting plot for a story.
I was up the mountain today and it had rained on me hard. It was almost dark. There were clouds so thick at the top, with the rain, that I couldn’t see through far at all – 30 meters max maybe. I realized… this is what my head is going through right now too. Same thing. It’s like my head is cloudy in there and not linking up as it normally does. I feel really, tremendously dumb.
Now, if this is the endgame – the way I’ll be for many years before dying, that’s cool. Just wish I knew so I could adjust. I don’t need to write books, I’ll just sit on a step and watch the world go by.
Not at all sure what this state is…