This is part of my Meditation Journal (click) which includes dozens of posts.
May 2009 Intensive Meditation | Day 3
Today went well. I had a lot of things to do today but I still found time to meditate (sitting) for about an hour in one of my favorite spots at a temple nearby. This temple has some meditation spots above the tree line after a short climb. It’s peaceful and, though it’s usually warm – it was perfect because it was drizzling rain all day.
I sat in mindfulness of the moment. Little thought intervened. It was a very nice session with some back pain – but overall much less than I’ve had recently. I think my efforts to maintain a straight posture while standing, sitting, and riding the motorbike are starting to help. Who knows? 🙂
I noticed that there is quite a bit of the feeling in my mind – or, rather, thoughts in my mind revolving around the “what are you doing this for” type subject.
I don’t answer – I just watch the questions. Do I know WHY I’ve restarted meditation? Yes, in a way. I’ve restarted to stop all reactions and negativity that exists as long as the ego exists. I’ve started again so the ego that’s left will be changed and leave once and for all. I’ve built the ego up to be very strong again after stopping meditating so many years ago. It’s a shell of what it was, and yet it’s still there and still causing hurt to some that I love. I see the reaction the instant it happens and I know it’s wrong – sometimes I can say – wow, that was wrong, and apologize profusely. Sometimes it takes a few seconds. Few minutes. Sometimes a half hour.
It’s that I need to stop. It’s such a silly thing to let run about unchecked. No sense in it anymore. I’ve seen the ego go almost completely before – and then built it back up. This time after it goes – it won’t be welcome to return!
So, that’s the why – but other than that – no real reason, guess that’s reason enough!