This is part of my Meditation Journal (click) which includes dozens of posts.
Disenchantment / Non-Attachment Arises
Over the past couple of days (this is sometime in 1998) while meditating I haven’t written anything! Actually weeks and probably a month. There seems to be no want or desire to do it to record it.
I found that when I get upset at Fern (my wife at the time) I also am able to see the worthlessness of other things at that time (worthless strivings or cravings).
What I’m referring to is when I got mad at Fern, I went riding the bike in the rain. It was nice. I was calm, thoughtful, and insightful. After the ride I went into the garage and meditated on the Jacuzzi. There weren’t any bugs and it was very relaxing with the rain outside. I began to see that the craving I had for a web page was not something that was worthwhile because my reasons for wanting one were so that I could say that I had one and so I could create nifty stuff on it for others to read and think how smart I am. I became disenchanted immediately and the attachment went away immediately. I dropped it completely and instantly–just like the Buddhadassa Bhikku’s Handbook for Mankind said it would happen. I remember it happening in the case of my wanting to hang photos of slides that I had shot in New York in the house all over my den (ours) (the). I gave that up instantaneously one day because I realized that it was a waste of money and effort.
This has also happened when I erased the nude pics that I found on the internet. It happened when I was cutting the grass one morning and I realized that I had on my $130 Nikes and that they were gonna get green from the freshly cut grass. I didn’t think twice about it. I just gave up my attachment for the shoes.
It happened the other day when I realized that I had given up on my attachment for the Honda Accord –however little I did have–because I walked past it and remembered that I hadn’t worried about Fern driving it at all since the first two days that she drove it.
It happened when I realized that I really didn’t care about what we did with the floors. It happened when I realized that I didn’t care about the large sum of $ that we got from Dr. Supawanich for our wedding. I even carelessly misplaced it. We thought it was lost for a while.
It happened when I realized that my search for a palmtop computer was motivated not by my need to be in touch with the internet every minute of the day, but because it was a new toy that I could possibly justify by claiming it was for our financial benefit. It happened when I went to the computer store on Dale Mabry highway and only when I had returned did I realize that I had worn my old sneakers there and back. I would never have done this previously.
It happened when I realized that we didn’t need a $300+ dog (Jack Russell Terrier) as our second dog. A mutt would do if cute and short-haired. It happened when I realized that the floor (tile) is ok, and doesn’t have to be fit for royalty.
All the above are instances of non-attachment and disenchantment. The mind has found no solace in the above things and nothing to justify worrying over them. They are what they are, nothing more. They can have no emotional effect on me. I’ve non-attached myself to them in a sort of automatic way without having done so consciously, just as a result of sitting and mindfulness during the day.
This is really a liberating feeling. I feel free from these material binds that have held me. I can only continue in the same way so that the list grows to encompass everything, every abstract, every person, every belief.
I’m signing off now, too much thunder outside….