This is part of my Meditation Journal (click) which includes dozens of posts.
Published July 6, 2010. Page updated 6 July 2021.
There is still – after a couple of years now, I haven’t looked back to see when it was exactly, this underlying state of absolute stillness in the mind when I’m not doing something.
I can work all day on writing articles, books, solving some problem, web development, whatever it is… and then when I stop – when it’s done and I don’t choose to do the next thing – there is just nothing. The mind is there – aware… awake… ready to do something if I asked something of it – but, otherwise it’s just there in an absolutely still state.
It’s not calming to have it happen… it just is. There is no relief in that state, though afterward I can think about it and say – oh, that must be good for the me somehow. It must be stress-reducing to let the mind go to that state sometimes. Often even maybe.
But, there is something about being in that state for a long time that isn’t right with my active mind.
I haven’t let it go on much past a couple of minutes.
I’m trying hard now to understand why the resistance of the active thinking mind of now – with going into the thoughtless state for a long time…
1. What is the point? This seems to be a big one… is there any point to sitting there and experiencing that state? It’s nothing new anymore, it’s there every time I stop doing anything with the mind. It’s not a novelty. It just is. And, it’s just that… there’s nothing really pulling me to do it more.
2. There is some idea in my head that by going into this silence for a long time, I’ll come out changed. I saw what happens when the mind first is transformed after experiencing jhanas… and it’s a revolutionary change. My wife and I split because I had completely changed. I wasn’t the person she married – or the person I even knew.
Is that what is on the horizon for me if I go into this silent space often?
Just doesn’t seem to be any real good that can come from it when I have responsibilities to my wife, my daughter.
So that’s how it’s all going here – how about YOU?