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Unsettled Feeling 3-7-08

This is part of my Meditation Journal where you can find dozens of more posts like this.

Finish the Journey, or Not?

I’ve gone for a couple of months without meditating since stopping in September after realizing that the search for the state of Nirvana is not worth it. I decided that because from what I’ve seen – nobody is enlightened. I guess my idea of it was that it was something great. It need not be. Alan Watts put it in perspective today on a short mp3 I listened to.

The enlightened individual experiences things differently. He/she still chooses how to act after perception takes place. The individual that is enlightened sees things as they are. Without the filters of the mind. Without a societal filter, moral filter, emotional filter, attachment filter, memory filter…? Everything is seen as it is – or, as the enlightened sees it. Is that what IS? Not sure. I still don’t have any idea what enlightenment is.

I do have this unsettled feeling that hasn’t gone away for about 2 months. Well, the last 10 years. I feel like, or there is a knowledge inside that makes me believe that, the only way I’m going to feel right is to finish the process. It’s like the natural conclusion to what’s been going on inside for these 10 years. It can’t really be any other way – it’s gotta finish.

Is that right? That’s the way I’m feeling again. It went away for a couple of months as I decided that trying to reach nirvana was pointless. Now, even though I still feel the same way – it’s pointless… I think it will help my mind stop considering the issue. It’s on my mind from the time I wake until I sleep. I catch myself a hundred times throughout the day considering whether to think or experience things directly – without thought.

I know most of you won’t understand that statement. I catch myself in moments of awareness during the day. I find myself questioning whether I should live the moment as everyone else – with thought filtering the experience, or to experience it without the thought – in a meditative state – without mind. Without time. Just experience it in the moment. Kind of like when you’re playing a physical game – soccer, ping pong, something like that. When you’re playing – you’re just playing. Your mind isn’t thinking – it’s in the moment. Well, it’s sort of like that. But, for the last 10 years, I can choose any moment I want to experience life like that. I can shut off the mind… or clear it out of the way – so it can’t filter what I’m experiencing.

It’s easiest with watching the breath. That’s how it started. Now it can be anything. I can watch myself in the restroom in complete mindfulness… fully present in the moment. I can pet a dog at the temple like I did today – without the mind there. I can drive the motorbike in the present moment. Literally, I can choose to do it for anything I think. I, of course, haven’t tried everything. I can’t imagine something I couldn’t do it for.

So, these periods of mindfulness catch me and a decision is presented – stay in regular state or drop off the mind and experience whatever is going on – directly. Without the mind.

Sometimes I ask myself – what is the point of direct experience? Is there any point to that? And no, there doesn’t seem to be… but you know there doesn’t seem to be any point in experiencing the moment WITH mind either. So – what results? Sometimes I go without the mind, sometimes I remain in the same state I was in – with the mind there running everything that is perceived by the senses through all the filters it has.

It’s quite a bizarre state – and yet it’s been like this to some degree over the past 10 years since I first started to sit and watch the breath… the meditation itself so simple. The results? Profound? Who knows. I know a lot has changed. I know I’ve experienced things that very few people have experienced… does it mean anything? Not yet. Means nothing at all – just a different way to experience life.

Is it profound in the sense that it means something good for me or profound for me? I don’t know. Not that I can see. It has thrown me into a state of questioning life as it is – and life in this new state.

Is there any point at all in seeking to experience all of life in that state – without mind, without filters?

No. Not that I can see. From this point – where I am, there is no point at all.

Is there any point at all in seeking to experience all of life in my previous state? Meaning, is there any point in experiencing life with the mind there – like everyone else appears to be doing? If there is, again, I don’t see it. I think there’s no point from where I am presently – from this vantage point – I see no point in either way.

Is there any point stopping your existence then – removing yourself from the game so to speak. Through suicide or some other means…

No, I don’t see that either. No point at all. What’s next – who knows. Anybody’s guess really. Should I seek that, what’s next? No point really either.

So what?

That’s the state of questioning I’ve been stuck in for a while now… What is the point of anything? Not sure. I don’t see a point in any of it.

So, my post from 9-27-07 in this journal told how I couldn’t see a point in enlightenment. in continuing to go toward it. But, is there any point NOT going toward it since it seems like this is where the whole process is taking me? Not sure. Sure of nothing at this point. Just feeling like things aren’t quite right.

Oh, this likely means nothing at all – but since this is a journal more than anything that must make sense to everyone – I wanted to write it down in case later I have the experience again.

Odd Energy Moves Through Body

I was sitting in this plastic chair in front of the notebook on the table just like this two days ago. I was reading something I had downloaded earlier at the internet cafe. I felt a moment of no-mind… and what felt like energy… flow, power, force… something – whatever I could call it – went up my body from my midsection and toward the head. When it got to the head it felt like the earth shook a bit. It jarred my head, and it kind of snapped my neck straight up gently – but totally on its own. I made no voluntary move myself. It came too fast for me to have anticipated what direction the energy would go in order that I told my neck to move.

It was VERY odd as I’ve never had this feeling before. Never in my life. I know that. I would have remembered something like it as it was completely out of the realm of ordinary for me.

I don’t know what else to say about it except I closed my eyes and turned off the Alan Watts MP3 that was playing at the time and sat without mind for a couple of minutes. The phone went off and it took me a second to realize it was a phone that made that noise and I picked it up. That was it. Nothing special after it happened – but extremely odd.

This is part of my Meditation Journal where you can find dozens of more posts like this.

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