Meditation State – I Am the Noise

Note – This is an old journal article I wrote in 1998 or so. I don’t have the date written down on the journal entry.

Sitting in the blue room at home. Meditated for a half hour. The back hurts again today. One needs to meditate consistently in order to build up the back muscle tolerance.

One felt relaxed today. Inclined towards sleep. One did reach state of good concentration – yet the back and the outside noises kept one here. At one point while listening to some noise outside the house one realized that we are the noise. In this case it was an airplane. I was the airplane during that state of mind. It never came to one as such before today.

One could never understand logically how this could be yet one has read of the concept so much. As one sat, the knowledge that one is the same as the noise attenuated to was truthful and unquestioned. An instant knowing as if it had been there all along. An unquestioned knowing – yet in the logical waking state EVERYTHING is questioned by this one. In this state there was no need for questions – it just was. It was no less true because the questioning process had been left out. Rather it was more true and more believable.

The mind then sought to logically explain what had occurred. This mind thought that one felt like he was one with the plane because the sound of the plane was nothing more than his own eardrums and body parts making the sound. Every sound that we hear is merely our own eardrum vibrating because the air has been moved (we suppose) by some object producing its own noise or rhythm.

There is nothing we hear that doesn’t go thru the air that surrounds us. If there is no air, there is no sound – and hence, no “I”. Seriously, if we could take this a step further and say that in a vacuum there is no sound, and therefore there is no “I” as far as the sense of sound goes. If we could also find a place in which there was no smell then we could end the “I” state from that perspective as well. If then we shut out all of the light so that our eyes could not register anything around us that is separate from the “I” then we could stop vision as a justifier of the “I”.

If then, we were to immerse the self in a liquid that would counteract our body weight. We could float naked with no movement whatsoever and no sense of touch to separate us from that which surrounds us. The sense of taste would be negated by the lack of any smells. Perhaps some care would be taken to lessen the chance of some flatulence coming from the stomach. In this state, could we say that we exist or that there is an “I”???

We could go to these great pains to induce this sort of state, or, we could meditate and reach it effortlessly–really without trying.

One has noticed that often times throughout the day one will be in moments of awareness of the present moment. It happened today while painting the kitchen ceiling with texture paint. It was like a zen or meditative experience.

The moment was enjoyed, no matter what it consisted of. There was no thought about what was going on, just experience through the eyes, sense of touch, smell – whatever – and it wasn’t judged or changed by the mind.

It happened at the Indian Restaurant yesterday. One ate the entire meal in awareness. It was truly the most gratifying meal one has ever eaten!!

Nibbana, Nirvana, or Hypnotic State? 5-23-09

sat 23 may 09

Without writing a book about this… i want to mention it i guess because if at some point nibbana comes despite my not chasing it – there should be a path or a succession of things that happened that others can look at to help them realize they too are on the same path…

i don’t appear to be ready for anything to happen… i swear at the dog outside to shut up… I get frustrated when the computer – a logical device, acts so illogically.

I see myself as if i’m beside – and looking on during these times. I’m watching myself act through it… the body is angry.

Anyway… so, saturday i was shooting dean’s welcome video for his sites. in the palm grove next to wat tum sang phet.

I was looking at the camera ready to start part of the monologue when I had a moment of awakening… of experiencing the moment – but, it was a state unlike any other I’ve had… I’ve not been hypnotized – but maybe this is what hypnotism is like?

I was staring at the camera… and the world changed. The camera was the center of focus and everything around in the peripheral field of view changed to be a little blurred, and then sparkly… as I realized that i slipped into another state I started to be aware of the sparkly as vibrations… i was watching the vibration of everything – moving at cellular level or – however you wish to say… as if alive… even the dead leaves on the dirt… everything moved… appeared to sparkle like stars…

the background grew a little more bright I think – not dark like a night sky…

there was no thought… no emotion… and just this watching of things as they twinkled…

it was a feeling not too unlike eggata – one pointedness of mind… where the mind gets so focused on an object that the object is the sole focus. This time it was the camera – just for having been in the center of the field of view at that time – possibly.

was the mind just ready at that time to focus…?

was the activity i had done for an hour – talking to the camera about dean’s sites so relaxing and gradually focusing the mind that it was prepared to focus instantly like that?

there was this idea that if i let go – immersed myself in the experience that that would be ‘it’ – that would be the total awakening…

I let go a little and felt another change – my body wasn’t felt and it was moving increasingly toward a 100% experience outside of me – outside the ego… I grabbed back at the ego – at this ego-filled self and found enough that the process stopped expanding and taking me deeper… then i just stayed in a similar state as before and watched it for a little while… finally choosing – as I nearly always did – to end it…  not giving it any special attention to continue on… not grasping at it at all…

in hindsight – this putting it off when it comes… putting off spontaneous jhana states and other states when they come might just be responsible for urging the process on further…

anyway – another cool experience as i look back on it…

The state of the mind now – is same as it has been for a while… i can work when i choose to work. when i have nothing going on – and am not responding to anything – the mind reverts to blankness… no thought… no emotion… no anything.

Always there is this bit of knowledge in my head somewhere that says… if you let it all go – that will be it… nibbana will find you…

And so it feels like I’ve known that for so many years… but now it’s even harder to ignore as I experience states like this one the other day that spontaneously arise… similar to, and yet different from states that occur during jhana and other experiences.

If anyone is having or has had a similar experience, please write me… I don’t know anyone personally that has had this. Thanks…  ( AimforAwesome [{ @ ]} gmail. c o m )

Reaction, Ego, Emotions Return 9-7-07

Reaction, ego, emotionality all return with a vengeance!  It seems that the last 5 days were filled with the mind being on edge. Most times were calm, yet, when a difficulty presented itself the mind reacted fast and very negatively. I think I’ve sworn more in the past couple days than during all my time in Thailand combined.

I have this idea that the mind noticed that it was slipping away… the ego was dissolving. Disenchantment with things was starting to take place again (1st time: 1999).

The mind revolted – it didn’t want to go away again. Meditation sessions were filled with a noisy and chatty mind – untamable most times – or only for minutes at a time. I could not just stop the thoughts like I used to – and have a mind that was without thought and reactions…  Very strange. Anyway, see the video if you want, there’s more to it than that.

Reaction, ego, emotionality video 9-7-07 >

No Me to Focus on Breathing 9-3-07

I was at Wat Tum Sua again today (Buddhist temple in southern Thailand). The weather was nice, cool and windy. No rain. There were very few people at the top. When I first got to the top and took off my shoes to go up onto the platform, there was a young monk sitting in some shade in the corner. I recognized him as one I’d seen at the top before. He was meditating. I have honestly not seen even 1 monk meditating in Thailand at a wat before except at Wat Pah Nanachat and Suan Mokkh.

I looked out at the mountains and he came over to me and offered me a soy milk box which I took with thanks. I spoke to him in Thai and he was extremely shy to speak, but wanted to speak it seemed. He was from Suratthani area and had been at the Wat Thamsuea for about a year. He was 21 years old.

Anyway, so I went to sit and meditate and found a place on the ground. I sat for maybe an hour and had varying degrees of concentration and mindlessness (vernlessness) as there was no vern to watch the breath. I had to focus on the breath to bring a vern back into the picture.  Odd to read this, I know, but, that is the experience. There is nothing there to watch the breath… no “me” so to speak. If I wasn’t trying to force something to be there to watch the breath – there is just nothingness. I am aware of things around… the air, the sounds, etc. If I open my eyes – I can see without a problem… and yet, still – there is no center point for where “i” am. It’s like no “me”.

Anyway, the video might explain better… I filmed as I walked down the steps, showing me at first – then showing the steps.

Walking down steps at Wat Thamsuea video > (.wmv about 4MB)

Update 6-15-09:

Still much the same. If I sit to meditate the mind is quiet already. There’s no sense following the breath because the mind is still. The body relaxes easily… now what is the point of meditation when I have this level of peace from the start?

I’d rather not ask Buddhists or consult books as I like to see how things play out on their own… probably the jhanas wouldn’t have come at all if I’d gone looking. Better just to see what happens…

Comments on No Thought State of Yesterday 8-31-07

8-31-07 Comments on the process from yesterday.  I added a lot more here that I forgot to say during yesterday’s video. I don’t think I described the physical feeling very well yesterday, at least I wasn’t satisfied that I did. I went over more of what it felt like and what was going on during it.

This state lasted all the way up until I went to sleep about 9:30 pm. That was about 6 hours. I’m not sure that even when I meditated in 1998 and had a similar state that it lasted this strongly and long. Very interesting state… no thought… no emotion… no desire… no satisfaction or attachment to anything – so no dissatisfaction…  Yet, I was able to have conversation at dinner with my friend. Memory still worked and was used in place of reaction and emotions. I remembered how I reacted emotionally to certain things – but there was no emotional reaction at all. Much more in the video.

comments on the state video

No Thoughts. No “Me”. 8-30-07

Over 6 hours of no thought… no reaction. No emotion. No extra work being done by the mind. A state of high awareness and being precisely in the moment – but without naming things – without judging… without using much of the mind that used to be automatic.

Filmed at top of Wat Tum Sua mountain top temple before the thoughtless state occurred (next entry).  Wat tum sua scenery and some comments on meditation This is a small sized video display because it’s 12 minutes long and if it was a bigger size it would be a 47 MB download which most people wouldn’t bother with because too large. I think. If you want a larger one where you can SEE the scenery, ask me and I’ll whip it up. I saved the project it would just take another 15 minutes to convert it and get it together. It would take me about 4 hours to upload it with a good internet connection so it won’t be a quick process – but could do it at some point.

Climbed up to Wat Tum Sua and attempted to sit. It didn’t go well the first time so I just shot some video and photos for a while. There was a storm and from that vantage it was interesting to see different spots around the area getting rained on, others dry and sunny. There was no lightening – so my fears of a repeat of the lightening experience up there were few (see www.aimforawesome.com for my lightening experience article).  I went down a level and sat in a dry spot on a piece of concrete about 12 inches high at the base of a pillar. It was comfortable. The body was very relaxed and at peace. Soon the mind followed.

I then had a very strong experience of the state that lasted about an hour there. Instead of attach to it and sit there for hours after about an hour I opened my eyes and stood up and felt the state in that new posture… the state stayed for many hours – I was conscious of every one of the 1,237 steps down the mountain and during the motorbike ride home… more about it on the video.

the thoughtless state video

Update: 6-15-09

It was probably this event that triggered something. After this happened I wasn’t quite the same. I was still having thoughts – though they were less frequent. The mind seemed to find peace – equanimity and non-dualistic experience easily and without effort. There were many periods over the next 1 year when I noticed that the mind was quiet and without thought.

Now – june 15,09 I’ve been in a weird thoughtless state for a number of months.

Meditating in Loud, Distracting Environments 8-28-09

In this video, I went over what I’ve been doing over the past few days with meditation. I’ve been experimenting trying to purposefully meditate in places that were noisy to see – is it still possible to do so.

I started this because I noticed that sometimes recently when I was in a loud environment it wasn’t affecting my concentration or mind – thoughts – at all. The mind was able to calm and quiet very quickly and wasn’t affected if noises started…

last couple days video – this one may download for you as you click, if you have an APPLE computer. Windows should play it (.wmv file).

Fatness Feeling and No Mind Center 8-25-09

Fatness and no mind center…  I climbed up to the Buddhist shrine at the top of the hill at Wat Tum Sua here in Krabi yesterday and I sat around 5:30pm. There were a group of monks and a woman in white- like a nun that helps out at the temple. Thais say, “magee”. The group was quite talkative and was in the one spot that I thought I had the least chance of tourists coming by and so after 20 minutes of looking at the incredible view I just sat down right there to meditate. The monk group stayed and talked for a while and left after 20-30 minutes.

As they were still there my mind was able to get very calm, and the body was near totally relaxed. Breathing came easily and when they did leave the “fatness” feeling came VERY strongly for about 30 minutes. I then had the mind’s point of reference shift -or disappear so that I could not tell where the “i” was – or where “me” was… so to speak. I let that go on for a bit and then I opened my eyes… and, well, it’s all in the video. I recorded this video at some caves in Krabi that I was scouting for meditation places. I think they’ll do fine. I’ll sit there in some days ahead. Need bug spray first, the mosquitos are ravenous.

Watch the video – you’ll see the cave, some scenery, and some people riding an elephant at the trekking place next to the cave.

Fatness Video (.wmv) about 4MB

Note – I call the fatness feeling – the feeling where the body feels as if it’s growing outwardly in all directions. At times the mind feels the same – to be expanding and growing to fill the room, the cosmos…  The fatness feeling happens when the body has gone completely numb. I feel it in my head or my hands or chest first… I describe it better in the video.

No Mind 8-23-07

A feeling of no mind came today.

I sat for 30 minutes last night before I slept. Before I meditated I was in a state of ‘no mind’ or no thoughts before sitting down for some time – an hour or so. I decided to sit and just have no thoughts. I didn’t record a video… nothing to talk about. I just sat and had no thoughts. I had awareness of things going on around me. At times some thoughts started to germinate, but when I realized a thought was forming I switched back to no thought mode.

I’ve had this ability for some time now since meditating back in 1998 – i can just switch thoughts off and focus on the present for a few seconds or a few minutes. I’ve not done it longer than 20 minutes, but i’ve not tried to go longer.

Update: 6/15/09 – I’m in a continued state of no mind or… rather no thought for the last few months now.. 6? 8? Not counting – would need to go back and look at journal. I can do things – I can work on computer and talk to people, exercise, etc… but, when I stop the mind goes blank. You know how if you stop doing something your mind is still running and thinking thoughts? Mine isn’t. A strange state – is this what it will be forever?

Unlinked Mind 8-20-07

Thought stopped and mind unlinked. Could not understand simple objects. This video and audio is kind of funny as I filmed while it was happening. I am quite out of normal functioning. It almost appears to be like signs of an impending stroke – but, I couldn’t have been more relaxed prior to this event.

Over the almost 2 yrs since this happened I’ve had a couple of these experiences. I’m sure it’s not a stroke coming on because I feel great…

Unlinked audio (mp3)

Unlinked video (.mpg)