The White Elephant in my Head

You know the saying, there is a white elephant in the room?

Well, there is one in my head. It’s always there, it’s quite plain that it is there. It has gone nowhere for years, it’s just right there. It doesn’t appear to be going anywhere…

For about 14 years now I’ve asked myself – what will you do now? What is the best thing to focus on now? How is it that you will go through life and provide for you… for your family? What is your life’s work? What can you do that is unique? What can you do that means something?

And it’s always been there – right at the forefront of my mind – unignorable. It’s right here – the elephant is more pronounced than anything in my life – ever. It was more profound than having children or finding the greatest girl to spend my time with. It was so powerful that the world changed as the elephant made it’s way into my head.

The elephant is gigantic… all pervasive.

I’ve put it out of mind with my ego, with my utter lack of respect and deference to it. I’ve tossed it aside for years – over a decade – in pursuit of other things that fit the mold of “me” better than it did.

The elephant is there as a result of the jhanas that came so amazingly, years back.

There’s an elephant in my head named Jhana… and she is always there waiting to return… if only I allow her to.

And I’ve just not allowed her to recently…

I am still not sure there is room in this life for something that takes over… and she does…

What I think most people don’t realize about meditation is that it is good for the meditator… it is heaven really… heaven on earth when Jhana decides to visit… and it isn’t addictive – it isn’t a choice one makes, to chase her… but, it is a revolution of the mind that occurs when she comes. J. Krishnamurti, and UG Krishnamurti describe these changes at a cellular level that they thought must have been going on… I cannot disagree with or agree with it – but it doesn’t sound far fetched to this mind as I consider it.

The changes she wreaks are overwhelming… final.

The change in personality is total… and other-worldly.

It’s astonishing really… and yet that word pales.

And today i am aware that she is still there… and that the elephant isn’t leaving…

and that the questions I’ve asked in the past about what now, what is best, what to do… are all so pointless…


Cloudy Head – Uncreative State

I’ve been feeling this for weeks now, it’s pretty impossible to describe, but I’ll give it a try.

There’s nothing going on in my head most times.

When I try to write a fiction book, think about something in the future, plan something – it just isn’t there. My thinking process, I mean. It’s just voidness up there. It’s like I’ve suddenly become dumb or something. I’ve always wished for this state – to be so dumb, I don’t even know it… and maybe that’s what is finally happening! lol. I despise having a mind that is always thinking, planning, creating, and analyzing. It’s tiring. It’s pointless.

As much as I try – I cannot create anything anymore. my mind is on stop speed for some reason.

I was excited for a while before this state – to start writing fiction again. I just can’t do it. I’m coming up absolutely blank when I try to think of an interesting plot for a story.

I was up the mountain today and it had rained on me hard. It was almost dark. There were clouds so thick at the top, with the rain, that I couldn’t see through far at all – 30 meters max maybe. I realized… this is what my head is going through right now too. Same thing. It’s like my head is cloudy in there and not linking up as it normally does. I feel really, tremendously dumb.

Now, if this is the endgame – the way I’ll be for many years before dying, that’s cool. Just wish I knew so I could adjust. I don’t need to write books, I’ll just sit on a step and watch the world go by.

Not at all sure what this state is…

Comments on No Thought State of Yesterday 8-31-07

8-31-07 Comments on the process from yesterday.  I added a lot more here that I forgot to say during yesterday’s video. I don’t think I described the physical feeling very well yesterday, at least I wasn’t satisfied that I did. I went over more of what it felt like and what was going on during it.

This state lasted all the way up until I went to sleep about 9:30 pm. That was about 6 hours. I’m not sure that even when I meditated in 1998 and had a similar state that it lasted this strongly and long. Very interesting state… no thought… no emotion… no desire… no satisfaction or attachment to anything – so no dissatisfaction…  Yet, I was able to have conversation at dinner with my friend. Memory still worked and was used in place of reaction and emotions. I remembered how I reacted emotionally to certain things – but there was no emotional reaction at all. Much more in the video.

comments on the state video