Fear of This State of Mind?

I’ve known for 19 years or so that the mind had changed remarkably of its own accord.

Let me say that again.

It changed on its own.

Sure, I did some meditation. Jhana came. I spent many hours in post-Jhannic states where insights naturally revealed themselves.

Somehow, that was enough.

What should have me screaming from the hills on a daily basis to tell everyone, has been tamped down greatly for a few reasons I’ll try to talk about here.

The state this body and mind is experiencing is probably not unique. It’s unique to me. Nobody I’ve ever spoken to about it has even the slightest idea what I’m talking about. I’ve never heard someone say out loud that they also have this or that they know of someone who does.

Still, someone, and probably hundreds or thousands of people are in a very similar state as this.

There is something going on here in this mind that isn’t replicated often amongst human beings. It’s too weird to think it may never have been or never will be again.

That’s a very odd thought. But, it’s a very odd state of mind.

When I first became aware that something profound had happened in the mind, I looked at it for a day or so. Then forgot about it. Then I looked at it a couple of weeks later. Then I’d sometimes look at it again in another week or month or so.

I took it for granted in a way, not understanding just how different something in my mind had become.

I didn’t know anything about it and had to carefully look at it to try to discover what is actually going on there.

Here we are 19 years later and I occasionally just go look at the differences between the two states of mind.

Two states that have resulted from the most basic, the most simple, meditation practice.

The Non-Dual State and the Vern State. Vern is my name, so it’s the Me State. The Ego-filled State. The I State.

It is so amazingly simple, this process. Focusing on the feeling of the breath in the nose, then focusing on nothing, then focusing on various mind experiences as they occurred.

That’s basically it in one sentence.

Fear of Observing It

I go through most days only dropping back into the baseline Non-Dual State a couple of times a day for just seconds or a minute or two per day.

I don’t go through the rest of the day fearing the Non-Dual State, it isn’t like that. But I don’t think about it. I never dwell on it in the Vern State.

If I dwell on it, try to figure it out, it’s too disconcerting really.

One thing that conjures up some fear is that it came on its own.

It came, I imagine, as a result of the Deep Jhanas.

It seemed to come subtlely over time. It seemed to have been there, behind the scenes, for years after Jhana initially made itself known.

After experiencing the fourth Deep Jhana, it seemed to not care whether I was meditating or wasn’t, I could always sense it there ‘working’ or lurking in the background.

It was a series of some intensive meditations into the Jhanas that finally evolved the permanent state I find myself in. I assume after 19 yrs, it’s permanent. No idea really. I wouldn’t be too surprised if something changed again later.

The states are essentially showing me two different realities.

The world we live in as human beings, with all of the pain and suffering vs. an aware, emotionless, painfree, sufferfree, experience of life without Vern and all that it encompasses.

Will Looking at the State Change It?

One fear is that spending too much time analyzying the Non-Dual State is going to somehow change it. While fearing change has not been something I’ve ever been known for, I do think that the situation at the moment is and has been quite ideal for a good number of years.

Will looking too deeply and questioning the state change it somehow?

I certainly don’t want it to change.

I don’t want it to leave either.

I am afraid of looking at it with too much energy, passion, and causing a change in how it fundamentally operates. I think the fear is justified because I know nothing about how it even developed to start with. I don’t know what is capable of changing it.

Also, what if the state goes FURTHER?

Meaning, what if another change takes place and this one negates Vern altogether?

That’s not ideal! I want Vern here. I want to do things Vern wants to do. I want Vern to be able to teach his kids things. I want Vern to be able to push the body to ridiculous levels of exertion while climbing steep mountain paths. I want Vern to create things – more books are on the drawing board. I want Vern to continue as a human being here with all his flaws.

Vern is the part LIVING LIFE HERE. That part must stay.

To be quite honest, the Non-Dual State can go away if it comes down to any kind of choice I could make.

It’s a truly mindblowing and maybe miraculous state, but I’d let it go in a second if the choice was between that and “Me” on a permanent basis.

Still, I fear the state changing in some substantive way, or disappearing altogether.

I Am Drawn to Explore it More

For months I’ve had questions pop up that urge me to test the Non-Dual State. They prod and troll me some days. They force me to look at this bizarre state of mind and to do micro experiments to learn something more about the state that is with me permanently.

Is there wisdom there? Is there some potential for something even greater to result that can help more people?

Is there something to be discovered there that shouldn’t be kept silent?

These questions are present in the mind of Me often lately and I’m going to move forward in finding out more about the state.

Tests and Experimentation

I’m creating a question/answer page where I take a look many different aspects of consciousness and awareness to see what the qualities of the Non-Dual State really are. At the moment I have about 130 questions and working on many more! See it here >